It's Not An Easy Season

Dr Who - Rose save
Let's count my blessings first. Because that list is so much shorter and no particular order.

  • I love my boyfriend. As in I can see him in my future for the rest of my life. He makes me into such a better person. I'm more relaxed, less anxious, more complete when he's around. Sven gives me life completely. Everything good for my future comes from him.

  • I love my friends. I have so few people in my life right now that I can say "help me" and get a decent response time, but my friends do such a good job. Airbear has put up with my mindless insanity lately. Moreso than anyone should.


See, told you. Short list. But I have so many things circling in my head. I have Dysthymia, a form of depression. Probably all my life. I do a job of putting on an excellent show, I think, so people take my snark as something not calling out for help. Totally is, though. Clever girls learn the ropes on how to keep people at bay, hiding all the pain. It's a thing you learn for survival. Except I'm so much more open to emotions right now. Being in love is a blessing and a catalyst. I would never give up being in love, especially since I have the rarity of knowing my other half who fills in so many parts of my being. But it also makes me more aware to the injustices and commentary my family offers me far too often. It's like waking up in the middle of a panic attack. An on-going, never ending spiral of guilt, horror, self-recrimination and helpless truth.

Also means that I'm more liable to fall into major depression, like now. I've cried (big, huge, snot inducing cries) twice in four days. Remember, I'm not a particularly hard or often crier. Christmas was hell and today was just as bad. I'm realizing how fucked up I really am. So yay for DOUBLE depression! Now I feel everything, except I've added 3D to the Technicolor. There are things I don't say. I don't talk about. Because I don't want people to think about and focus on those. No one needs to carry my weights, even if they're asking to. Because I know everything being asked on holding me up. And it's more than can be imagined. Right now, I'm in a deep slide and I'm just going further. I'd hoped that Sven had cured me. Stupid me. You can't cure a mentally wronged wire upstairs in the brain. Stupid, stupid me.

Living with my emotionally abusive mother doesn't help. But I can't blame her. Why? Because I allow it to happen. I had stopped, but the words are still burrowed deep inside me brain. In this house, if you aren't being beaten, you aren't being abused. I saw this coming when I had nowhere else to go. Still don't. Fucked credit and no job, taking 5 classes next semester, doesn't allow for much work time. I'm so close to graduating. Only 7 classes, so either the summer or fall 2014. So fucking close. And I'm just...not even that excited. I'm also having trouble sleeping. Stress is a killer of many things. All I want to do is be away. Be done. Be in a place where I can get the help I so desperately need. But that place will never be where I am. Any more than my mother not qualifying and seesawing her love for me. Now I'll go to bed, pretend that I'm really okay, smile wide and fake, not letting the world into just how fucked up I really am.




Comments off.

Once Upon A Time

Labyrinth - Bookworm
Once upon a time, there was a little girl who wished with all her might to be good enough to keep, to fight for. And time and time again, she almost was - but never quite.

One day without looking, she stumbled onto a future that she didn't even know she wanted. Oh, how she clutched and held it close, before the dream turned to dust.

Then she remembered.

Wishes and dreams are only made to exploit betrayal and pain.

One day she'd remember that all the time. One day.

Until then, the lesson would just keep eating and tearing at her, clawing its way deep inside to slowly take away all that was good and pure in love out of her. Leaving her into a husk.

Witches of East End

OUAT - Regina
Can we discuss how stupid this show is? Really? Because god, they're dumb - the whole damn lot. Freya is so, so dumb. Like, woman, you deserve to die. You know someone is out to ruin your existence, so you keep running headlong into danger. Oh, yeah. You're the bright one in the family.

What is up with stupid shifter story line? Why am I looking for sense in this dumb show? I was hoping for a great story about witches, of a family of cursed females who are strong in their intelligence and common sense, not just powers. Why would I think that'd pass any executive's office...I will never understand. Oops at me.

Second week in. I'm about as done with this as I am S.H.E.I.L.D. Y'all can join OUAT, too. And most of all TV, basically. Thank god for hockey. That's all I can say at this point of my life.

So, I totally have a boyfriend...

Alice - Alice/Hatter Yours
I love him more than words can say. creature_sh, though he's never on here, gives me peace and feelings of love and home. Y'all know the rarity of that. The sheer turmoil that's been my life. He makes me see things positively. I'm not as snarky (I know, right?) and I'm working on an adult relationship where I listen, compromise when necessary, and never run. Yep, he's 6 time zones away, but planes exist for a reason. He makes me...happy. Like, really, truly to the deepest core happy. burningchaos, you've seen my eyes, how they look sad. Electrify them, make them shine blue. That's the glowing look I give all the time. I can't stop smiling. That's the person he's turned me into. And I like her. I like this version of me. This is a contented Beatrice.

To be a complete dork, I hear Leonardo DiVinci quote, from Ever After, where he says: "SHe's your match, Henry Jesi." And he plays with me, keeping me feeling young. He makes me feel sexy; that I'm pretty enough. And we all know my body issues. And the thing is? All those years of people saying I was pretty? He's the first one where I somewhat believe him. Sometimes I fall back on old habits, but he reminds me, patiently, of how I really am. He makes me believe what everyone has been saying because he calms me; from the center out, he can talk me out of my demons, the ones that people have instilled in me.

And I'm sure my guy is blushing deep red right now. *waves at the hot German boyfriend* Love you too, darling.

Cause it's my life...

Charlize - Queen
Have been job searching. Close to 80 apps in roughly 2-2.5 weeks. Nothing yet. Just a lot of rejections. I hate the Taleo system like you wouldn't believe. And my mother thinks I'm not trying hard enough and jobs are easy to come back. Apparently, I need to tell to her every time I apply. Um, I apply all the time. I don't even know all the places I've tried at this point.

School starts next month. But our money is due 3 weeks BEFORE because they're so behind on data entry they'll need that time. Um, not my problem, dude. Stop pushing in kids that aren't ready or really not smart enough to do the work. English list of classes: 7.5 pages before you get to 3000-4000 classes for all us juniors and seniors. Yeah. Exactly. If I lose my classes because they randomly changed the payment date during the summer, I'll raise hell. I want OUT damn it. I want to be far, far away from this state ASAP.

I sold my Mini. I'm upset. I got a 2000 Chevy Cav. I don't know. I miss my girl but Luckie's fine. Named after two hockey goalies.

Other life shit goes. But that's my life.  Paid time ran out and I don't care. Whatever.

Sleep now, I think.

Glad burningchaos is back, too.

Why is there no communities...

Alice - Alice/Hatter Yours
For Baby Daddy? I need icons, damn it! And communities to squee in. I want to wishful think Riley and Danny can happen. To coo over Danny's hot, hot, HOT hockey self. Did I mention Danny is HOT? He's like a living Jaci Burton cover.


Cause dude, stare at the pretty:

(Courtesy of Discreet Magazine.)



(Courtesy of Tumblr.com)

I need playgrounds for a fandom I actually want to be a part of. Of course there's like only fandom on Tumblr. I want other interactions. Please and thank you.

So, a lot of long short

Labyrinth - Bookworm
I know, I never update this thing. Sorry, just there never seems to be any reason. And I forgot my Dreamwidth password/lost access to my old gmail, so yeah, just here.

I'm going to be moving out of my godmom's by the 1st. Not because I want to, but they want us out of here. Mama's not able to live by herself and I can't make the qualifications to be her roommate, so. Yeah. Anyway, I don't think mama's coming back anyway. She's falling way too much. She'll be in physical rehab until at least mid-May and after that, honestly, I can't take care of her anymore. Her mental state is not that great. There's not enough good short-term memory to let her stay home alone. A couple months ago she almost burnt the house down while holding a grease fire in a pan. I just can't trust her to take care while I'm gone. And neither did the ER doctor.
A lot more rambling in here.Collapse )

*hacks up a lung*

Labyrinth - Bookworm
So I have a French oral exam tomorrow at 2:30.

I have no voice. I didn't have one about a month ago, either. And it's horrible because if anyone has any idea how to make me magically make none squeaky noises in the next 15 hours or so, I'd love it. I mean, my regular voice sounds like a dog whistle whisper. Bleck. Imagine having to pronounce in French. Although, she can't yell at me too much since a deep breath makes me cough hardcore.

Only me, folks. Only me. Twice in a month. I'm very special that way. I had to write a paper last Wednesday, and I was so tired I wrote a letter of apology to my professor on why it sucked so hardcore.

Random Observation

Labyrinth - Bookworm
I would just like to announce that Ed Quinn is perfection, and I have this image of a cheesy SyFy movie where Quinn and Eric Balfour are shirtless. Throughout the entire movie.

My mind is a happy, happy place when sick.

So these papers all due next week?

Labyrinth - Bookworm
So my papers for class this semester:

* Prostitution in Venice and how relates to Renaissance Art.
* The Handmaid's Tale and the Republican war on women.
* Abstract for the hypersexualization of female characters in children media.
* Mini-bio in French about Chanel.
* Editing my failed NaNo into a submission for my creative writing portfolio.
(Shape shifting woman with a bit Ellen Harvelle in personality and use of a shotgun.)




Y'all. I might have women issues and the need to BAMF the fuck out of them. I'm just saying.

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